Best Seinfeld Monologues
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking
along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity
in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him
to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are
watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are
the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making
a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in
I love to go to sports events. Love, love, love sports. Anybody running
around in an outfit with a stripe on it, I want to watch them do it.
It's strange, two guys in shorts competing for a belt. They should award them slacks or a shirt. The real problem it that you have two guys fighting who have no prior argument. They should have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a little bit, eventually there's an accident. They get out...
"Didn't you see my signal?"
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem
to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those
hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know?
Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other
day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and
I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes.
They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves.
They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind
of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one-legged
at a forty-five-degree angle, what am I going to wear?"
There's an entire industry of bad gifts. All those "executive"
gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass wood thing, they put a piece of green
felt on the bottom, "It's a golf-desk-tie-stress-organizer, Dad."
I believe the closest thing that we have to royalty in America are the
people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport.
People love to recommend their doctor to you. I don't know what they
get out of it, but they really push them on you.
"He's the best. This guy's the best." There can't be this many "bests." Someone's graduating at the bottom of the classes. Where are these doctors? Is someone somewhere saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. The man's an absolute butcher."
And whenever a friend refers a doctor they say, "Make sure that you tell him that you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor.
"Oh, you know Bob? Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs."
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know them because they cause too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with a Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along Routine pal check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving..........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had know idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
One of the most popular procedures today is the nose job. The technical term for the nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino? I mean, do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their life? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else?
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Now why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
I love watching women put on their perfume. They're very careful. They
have their little stratgeo areas. Places they think we're going. They
always hit the inside of the wrists. Women are convinced that this is
the most action-packed area that could ever happen. Why, ladies? What
is happening there? Is this in case you slap the guy? He still finds you
I would say the concept behind the car phone, and the phone machine,
the speaker phone, the airline phone, the portable phone, the pay phone,
the cordless phone, the multi-line phone, the phone pager, the call waiting,
the call forwarding, call conferencing, speed dialing, direct dialing,
and the redialing, is that we all have absolutely nothing to say, and
we've got to talk to someone about it right now. Cannot wait another second!
I am getting a little tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's
somebody's birthday. I mean really, at this point, what is the big deal?
How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born?
I think probably the most fun thing a lawyer can do is say, "Objection."
There are many different jobs for cops these days. It seems to me that
Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs you can get. It's not too
dangerous, the criminals are long gone - that seems like a good one.
The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people
who try to commit suicide, for some reason they don't die, and that's
it. They stop trying. Why don't they just keep trying? What's changed?
Is their life any better now? No, in fact, it's worse, because now they've
found out here's on more thing you stink at. And that's why these people
don't succed at life to begin with. They give up too easy.
The one movie ad I don't get is this one:
I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide. I once came home found one hanging from a macramé noose, the pot kicked out from underneath. The note said, "I hate you and your albums."
As a kid, the only thing I really cared about was candy. Candy is the
only reason you want to live when you're a kid. Ages zero though ten,
candy is your life, there's nothing else. Family, friends, school.....they're
only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favourite
candies that you love. Kids actually believe they can distinguish between
21 different versions of pure sugar.
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind
of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly
you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope,
you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's
your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping
towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language.
IQs, SATs, GREs, it's all initials. They don't even give you enough credit that you can understand the name of the test. That's your first confidence booster. Then there's the sample question at the beginning where they show you how to fill in the circle. This should be the first elimination point right there. Anybody goes outside that circle, "Yeah, you wanna come with us please, yeah, yeah, you're done, your test is over. You went oustide the circle there's no point in continuing."
My parents took me to Armish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after the've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Armish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Armish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
Women need to like the job of the guy they're dating. If they don't
like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this - which is why we
make up the phony bogus names for the jobs we have. "Well right now
I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, production,
There is no easy way to break off any relationahip. It's like the mozzarella cheese on a good slice of pizza. No matter how far you pull the slice away from your mouth it just gets thinner and longer but never snaps. Of course you could always just eat your pizza with a knife and fork, but I think this is clearly what's know as "pushing the cheese analogy."
It seems to me the way they design the car alarm, that the car will
behave as if it were a nervous, hysterical person. Anyone goes near it,
anyone disturbs it, it just goes, "Waahaahaahaah!" Lights flashing
on and off, acting all crazy. Not everyone wants to draw that much attention
to themselves. Wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that
was a little more subtle?
Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies.
Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, the Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."
To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're
working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the
strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only
reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the
workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we
have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't
get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels
Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.
You can always tell what was the best year of your father's
life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride
it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping,
it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is
like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should
be on a pedestal, with
Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world.
I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid.
I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're *so* close. If you need a pet
that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family.
Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm
sure made perfect sense in the monkey
You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!
I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking:
- How much did you lose by?
I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided "This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth. An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits, no speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice. I could wear that."
Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have
any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you
think they just feel they have their own little country out there and
they can charge anything
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are
all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding
is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy.
I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
There's something very insincere about these greeting cards
we send back and forth to each other all the time. They're like these
little one-dollar folded paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I
don't know what my feelings are, so I'll just pay some total stranger
a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker to do the job for me. So
I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever
You know, why we're here? [he means: here in the "Comedy club"] To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Wherever you are in life, it's that feeling, you've gotta go.
Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ...
Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when
you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching
the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly
you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck
in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean
the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long
boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do
that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his
arm - Can you come back next week?"